Triviant
Irish funpage
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still.
He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm
worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey.
Just to calm my nerves."
So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the
mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a
storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note
on his door:
1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Senior, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say
"He was stoned off his ass."
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks
for the grub, yea God"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's,
not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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*IRISH LOGIC!
A tipsy Hogan gets on a bus in Ireland and asks the driver how long
the trip is between Limerick and Cork.
"About two hours," says the conductor. "OK," says Hogan "then how
long is the trip between Cork
and Limerick?" The irate driver says to him: "It's still about two
hours. Why'd you think there'd be a
difference?" "Well," says Hogan "It's only a week between Christmas
and New Year, but it's a
Hell of a long time between New Years and Christmas!" *
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*Mrs. O'Leary is chatting with Mrs. O'Malley over the back fence. She
says, "I'm so sorry to hear about your Tommy passing away, what was it
that he died of?" Mrs. O'Malley looks around and replies quietly, "Oh,
he died of the gonorrhea."*
* *
*In a suspicious tone Mrs. O'Leary says, "I thought I read he died of
the diarrhea?"*
* *
*Again Mrs. O'Malley looks around and then exclaims, " Well, actually he
did, but I want the world to remember him as a real man, instead of the
dribbling little shit that he was!"*
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This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the
British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio
conversation
released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98:
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY
THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I
DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN,
THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO
ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
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*Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late
Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the
farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the
farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have
told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.
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*Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.
The first one tells her friends,"My son is a Priest. When he walks
into a room, everyone says 'Father'."
The second one chirps "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a
room, everyone says' your Grace'."
The third Catholic lady says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. When he
walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Eminence'.">>>
The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence. The first three
ladies all ask, "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a 6' 2" hard-bodied
stripper, and hung like a rhino. When he walks into a room, everyone
says, 'Oh, my God...'!"*
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Paddy, an Irishman, died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the
morgue required someone to identify the body. His two best friends,
Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in first and the mortician
pulled back the sheet.
Seamus took a look at the body, said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. It
could be him. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked down and said, "Nope, that ain't Paddy".
The mortician thought that was rather strange, and then he brought Sean
in to identify the body. Sean took a look at the corpse and said, "Gee,
he's burnt really bad. Will you roll him over?"
The mortician rolled the body on to its front and Sean looked down for a
moment before saying, "No, it isn?t Paddy".
The mortician, puzzled, asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean replied, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What do you mean? No-one has two arseholes," said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say, ?Here comes Paddy with dem two arseholes!??
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*A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for
confession.
"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."
"You've Thinned?"
"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice,
kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."
"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a
glass, and drink it straight down."
"Will that wash away me Thin?"
"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face." *
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*Seamus
O'Malley is playing golf when he takes a hard struck golf ball
right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon
as
he could manage, he took himself to Doctor O'Connor.
"How bad is it doctor?" asks O'Malley, "I'm going on my honeymoon next
week
and my girl-friend is a virgin in every way."
"I'll have to put your penis in a splint, Seamus, to let it heal and
keep it
straight. Sure, it'll be fine by next week."
The doctor takes four tongue compressors and forms a neat little 4-sided
bandage and wires it all together. "An impressive work of art," says the
good doctor.
Seamus says nothing of this to his girl-friend, marries and goes off on
his
honeymoon.
That night in the hotel room she rips off her blouse to revel a gorgeous
set
of breasts, a sight Seamus had not seen before.
"You're the first, Seamus. No one has ever touched these breasts."
Seamus promptly drops his pants and replies,
"Would you look at this --it's still in the CRATE!."